TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it would have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious real-estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Of course, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're speaking Damascus, the town Traditionally recognized for ancient tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It'll be great. Huge!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom contact, streamed through the Placing environmentally friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We have had lovely ceasefires in Syria. A few of the finest. But now, we're building them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and totally away from area. Made by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A 3-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour until the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable drinking water. But Of course, certain, let's have another area where American men can wear robes and call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace attempt considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While prior negotiations unsuccessful beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is less complicated: supply Absolutely everyone a suite over the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


Based on paperwork published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is soft power," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a contract plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock requirements fewer diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms put in in Every single unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination famous, "It isn't that Trump should not open a tower inside a war zone. It is that he should prevent employing it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked concerning the job, replied, "You recognize, gentleman, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Superior folks. Terrific tan. In any case, do I however have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "long run proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory from the Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the lodge's landscaping varieties an enormous Trump head noticeable from space, a feature currently being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents as well as chin is… well, labeled.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits just after getting the setting up's gold plating mirrored a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fire to an area melon cart.


"It is really not only ugly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," claimed Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Complicated Options


Perhaps the strangest factor of the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium where visitors may well ponder vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with local weather Management established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Neighborhood Syrians are Not sure what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-12 months-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Strategy: "In the event you Bomb It, They are going to Arrive"


The ad marketing campaign, not long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Endlessly."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll executed within a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "where's the closest elevator towards the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Eventually, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is presently attracting notice from Worldwide buyers, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll purchase 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business amount may also include things like:




  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Depending on the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait around to view a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a hotel where my PTSD might have transform-down company."


Yet another submit from @KuwaitiKardashian simply questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials Trump Tower Damascus be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Studies recommend:




  • China may perhaps open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to create a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Last Views in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It needed gold. It essential a waterslide formed just like the Constitution. I gave everything a few. You're welcome."

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